The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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