He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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