after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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