so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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