Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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