Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
