I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
