"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
