I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
