Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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