Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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