I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
