I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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