So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We need a shit load of segways right now
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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