you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
