If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
