Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
