Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
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my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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