Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
