no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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