If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
