My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
