On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
