I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
