I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
