woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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