i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
