If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
