I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
