My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
