I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
