I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
