OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
