Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
