Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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