Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
