Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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