Your mouth is God's brothel.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
