What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
