pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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