Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
