Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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