If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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