I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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