Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i've created a new STD.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
