Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
