I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
