The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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