My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
