barbara walters just said penis...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
