I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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