It was confusing and full of hummus
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
