piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
