That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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