i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
