Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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