so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
