that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dating After Heartbreak
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.