mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
