i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
