Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
