i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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