all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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