The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
